But Did You Try?
I was trying, but no matter how much I crawled, I could never start walking again.
I was just surviving but not necessarily thriving the way I desired.
I was succeeding, but I was not living.
I lost sight of me…
As I’m writing this, it is the first of November and to say I am where I planned to be is the farthest thing from the truth.
I pictured this month being a month where I not only celebrated my 34th birthday, but also my book release and my very first event, solo of The Potts Foundation and Key Inspires.
From the inception of the idea to combine my book release with my first event, imposter syndrome began to set in and then life began to set in, and later imposter syndrome doubled down even more.
I tried and tried to pick things back up, and to get going again, but I just couldn’t.
From work to the foundation, to my business, to family, nothing really seemed to move as smoothly nor swiftly as it usually does so instead of juggling all the things, I began to pivot towards the things that called for my attention more.
No matter how much I tried to pick up “all the things”, even one by one, I lacked motivation.
I prayed, I cried, I did everything I possibly could to try to figure it out on my own, but I just couldn’t find the source.
When expressing my lack of motivation and drive to my therapist, she literally began to call out every hit I took, and every stressor I had based on the notes of our previous sessions.
The series of events began around the April to May timeframe, and here I was in September, depleted both mentally and emotionally.
I remember my therapist gently saying, “Kiki, baby,” as she normally does, just before saying something super profound that’s maybe hard but necessary to hear.
She reminded me that the type of anxiety and occasional depression that I deal with causes me to shut down when I get overwhelmed.
Once I become overwhelmed, I began to shut off all the extracurriculars and only focus on the bare minimum so that I can function from day to day.
My eyes are getting a little watery as I write because, prior to our session, I just couldn’t see it.
At the time, all I saw was that I had no desire to write, no desire to host workshops for the foundation, no desire to market my business, and certainly no desire to plan an event.
I had even become frustrated with my lack of desire to do the things I knew deep down, I loved.
#SelfCareFridays had also become a rare occurrence which is problematic because it is my primary method to refocus and recharge.
A lack of self-care is also an indication of a lack of boundaries and unbeknown to me, my boundaries were completely out of whack.
It was at this moment, I found myself with a homework assignment from my therapist.
Her words to me were simple, “discern what is yours to process and what is yours to pray for, some of these things are not yours to fix.”
She reminded me that if I felt irritated or burdened, to stop and take inventory of what’s going on around me.
Often, we get extremely caught up in living our day to day lives.
We are not only working way too long, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
But we are also taking care of our families, our spouses, being a personal uber driver, etc., and we forget to take a beat to see what it is we, ourselves, may need.
We’re stressed. We’re burned out, and most importantly, we are tired.
Do you know why that is?
It’s because we’ve been conditioned to overwork and to not rest, to being everything for everyone and nothing for ourselves, to lack boundaries, to be too available, and to never say no.
We begin to suffer from the effects of that by being burned out, tired, irritable, and too consumed with all the “right” yet wrong things.
I’ve positioned that to say the “right” yet wrong things because the most important piece of it all is our ability to preserve ourselves.
What good are you to everyone else if you’re not first taking care of you?
I had to remind myself of that one thing because did I try?
Yes, absolutely, several times.
But my inability to get up and jump back into life had nothing to do with my effort and everything to me losing sight of me.
I tried, but in those tries, I still didn’t check in with Kiara first.
It was a reminder that every season is not meant to be one where I walk through life with my hands full.
I never want my hands to be so full that my heart is empty and unfulfilled.
Instead of beating myself up, I had to realize I needed the break.
There are only so many hits a person can take before falling, and once you fall, it’s impossible to stand again for long durations, without taking the proper time to recover.
I’ll let that sink in…
So, if you’re wondering why, you haven’t seen much about The Potts Foundation, I took a hit.
If you’re wondering why, you haven’t seen much about Key Inspires, I took a hit.
If you’re wondering why, sometimes I post frequently and others not so much, I took a hit.
I’ve taken several, directly and indirectly, I’ve poured a lot into others, I’ve poured a lot into my business, but I dropped the ball when I did not pour that same energy into me.
And for that, I must sit and rest, because I’ve reached a place where I could take no more hits.
So, as I buckle down and take care of Key, I can’t wait to see what 2024 and 34 have in store for me.